if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then i'll follow you into the dark.

Today has been one of those rainy, overcast days, where all you want to do is stay in bed and sleep. Well, that's exactly what I did, and it was much needed. I have been so exhausted, both emotionally and physically, and a nice long nap was exactly what my body needed. Too bad I wasted the whole day today being lazy and didn't pack for the mountains tomorrow. Looks like I'll be getting up early.

confession number eleven.

all i go through, it leads me to you.

If weakness is a wound

That no one wants to speak of

Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune

I only want to be loved

But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?

If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not alright

I’m broken inside, broken inside

And all I go through

It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride

Bring me to my weakness

Until everything I hide behind is gone

And when I’m open wide

With nothing left to cling to

Only you are there to lead me on

Cause honestly, I’m not that strong

I’m not alright

I’m broken inside, broken inside

And all I go through

It leads me to you, it leads me to you

And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you

And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you

And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you

And I move, and I move, and I move...

I’m not alright

I’m broken inside, broken inside

broken inside, broken inside

And all I go through

Leads me to you, leads me to you

one of these days i won't be afraid of staying with you.

[insert frustrated scream here]

maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year.

just got my hurr did.

don't forget i'll hold your head, watch the night sky fading red.

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

- C.S. Lewis.

i believe in nothing but the beating of our hearts.

open your eyes, it's time to see if you can reach me.

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs?

A few days ago. It's called pants, people.

2. What were you doing this morning at 8?
Sleeping.

3. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Watching a show online.

4. What are you wearing right now?
Sweats and a VCUarts T-shirt.

5. Are you mad at anyone right now?
Mmm, yes.

6. The last two people to say they loved you?
Probably my parents.

7. Kissed someone in the last 24 hrs?
Nope.

8. Are you happy with your living arrangements?
No.

9. Last thing received in the mail?
A graduation card.

10. Do you have any famous relatives?
I'm sure I do, way back when.

11. Have you ever had sex in a public place?
That would be a negative.

12. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
No.

13. How is your hair?
In need of a haircut.

14. How many different drinks have you had today?
Two.

15. What have you eaten today?
Waffles, pasta, pizza.

16. Are you any good at math?
I thought I was...until Calculus.

17. What did you do Friday night?
Went out with my favorite people in the world.

18. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
I do.

19. Are you taken for granted?
I have been in the past.

20. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Heck no.

21. Do you like the ocean?
I love it.

22. Did you stay friends with your ex's?
Yes, but I've drifted away from both of them.

23. What are you excited about?
Apartment shopping tomorrow.

24. What did you do two nights ago?
I hung out with some of my friends from middle school.

25. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
No.

26. Where do you keep your money?
In the bank.

27. Do you remember the most naughty night of your life?
This is me we're talking about.

28. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
It depends.

29. What was the weather like on your birthday?
It was rather pleasant if I do recall.

sisters.

if you really knew me.

Wow. Everybody should watch this. Now that I'm in college, I've experienced life in high school and this is about as real as it gets.

"Together we can change the world."

even the sun is jealous of the way you shine.

a friendly reminder.

your life in me changing who i've been to who i need to be.

Just for the heck of it, here is a list of songs that are just too good not to share. If you've never heard them, look them up. You'll be glad you did.

1. "Shipwreck" by Starfield

2. "Your Hand In Mine" by Explosions in the Sky

3. "Shoreline" by Deas Vail

4. "Time" by Cute Is What We Aim For

5. "Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World

6. "The Ocean" by Mae

7. "Augustine" by Nevertheless

8. "Turn Out the Light" by The New Amsterdams

9. "Ocean Wide" by The Afters

10. "My Skin" by Natalie Merchant

11. "Without Fear of Their Return." by Weaver at the Loom

That's all I have for now. Perhaps I'll post more later.

so tired.

confession number ten.

cause when i look at the stars...

I don't know what I would do without those friends of mine who have stayed up with me into the early hours of the morning just to talk to me or keep me company.

Thank you.

quote.

"Some people care too much. I think it's called love."

- Winnie the Pooh

mood.

confession number nine.

but it left me brave and bold like the knights of ages past.

So it has been brought to my attention that I haven't been updating my blog lately. Funny thing is, I kind of forgot my password. And it's only been like what, five days? But who's counting. Anyways, I got my password back so we're all good.

Lately, I've been having these weird and bizarre dreams. I blame all of it on Inception and not my totally twisted subconscious. I won't go into much detail (as to keep what dignity I have), but let's just say there were vampires and ex-boyfriends involved. And no, my ex-boyfriend was not a vampire, thanks for asking. But at any rate, not good.

Less than a month until I go to college. I can't even believe how fast this summer has gone by. In a few weeks, I'll be moving into my brand new apartment and living all on my own. Not that it's easy to admit this, but I'm scared. Shitless (and I don't cuss often). But I feel, with the amount of anxiety that I am facing at the moment, expletives do the job. I think what I'm most afraid of is leaving my family and friends behind. The more I spend time with them, the harder it is to face the fact that I won't see them much at all over the next year. I can say, without any doubt in my mind, that I have the most incredible friends. They make me genuinely happy, sometimes even when I don't necessarily want to be.

Anyways, now that I have probably bored you to tears, I think I'll go read a book. Or go dream about unicorns.

i need the product of your fears in the form of tears.

cause these words are my diary screaming out loud.

Okay, seriously? I haven't slept in about a week, so I decided to take a sleeping pill so that I could actually get a decent amount of sleep tonight. Apparently even sleeping pills can't help me. I have never been so stressed out in my life, and this whole no sleep thing really is not helping. I am a complete mess right now. Dear 5:00, meet Sporcle.com.

none of it's true 'cause i never knew you.

i was wondering...

When butterflies fall in love, do they get people in their stomachs?

confession number eight.

I want to run in the rain so badly right now. I just might.

the air is good here, so i'll breathe in deeply...

...then release all that I hold inside.

cause i have finally found my bravery.

Writing a fake letter is such a good way to relieve some stress and anger. I know, it sounds like something a life coach would advise you to do in order to "gain control of your life." But seriously, it does wonders. Write a letter to somebody who you have issues with, get out all your anger (and it's okay to add an expletive or two), but simply erase it or throw it away once you're done. That way you get out everything you want to say without causing any conflict. Try it.

i have come to realize.

1. I have come to realize that my butt:

is most likely larger than yours.

2. I have come to realize that when I talk:
I have a manly voice.

3. I have come to realize that, if I love someone:
I tend to grow very protective of them.

4. I have come to realize that, I need:
my friends to keep me sane.

5. I have come to realize that, I lost:
a whole ton of respect for some people.

6. I have come to realize that, I hate it when:
people get satisfaction from putting others down.

8. I have come to realize that, marriage:
takes a lot of work, but despite popular belief, can work.

9. I have come to realize that, work:
can be fun.

10. I have come to realize that, I will always be:
somewhat obsessive compulsive.

11. I have come to realize that, I like:
you.

12. I have come to realize that, the last time I cried was:
over something that I had been holding in for a lot longer than I expected.

13. I have come to realize that, my cell phone is:
aggravating.

14. I have come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning:
I usually don't feel like P Diddy.

15. I have come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night:
I think about way to much.

16. I have come to realize that, right now I am thinking about:
all the stuff I usually think about right before I go to sleep.

17. I have come to realize that, babies:
are cute. But they also really stink.

20. I have come to realize that, tonight I will:
just let things go.

21. I have come to realize that, tomorrow I will:
start over fresh and try not to worry about everything.

22. I have come to realize that, I really want to:
be with my friends.

23. I have come to realize that, working out:
is the best stress reliever there is.

24. I have come to realize that, friends:
are essential to my happiness.

revisiting.

If you haven't already, go back and look at my post from May 4, 2010 regarding loving your enemies. This has been such a challenging issue for me in my life, especially in the past few years. I've been praying for guidance and the wisdom to handle these types of situations in the most mature way possible. It certainly isn't easy though.

take a sad song and make it better.

the reason people talk behind our backs is because we're already ahead of them.

I am in serious need of somebody to rant to right now. Normally, I'd just say it all on here, pour out my feelings to whoever cares to read this, but something is stopping me this time. I've learned it's not always best to put all my problems out in the open for everybody to see. But seriously, I am so fed up with certain things and people.

Just breathe.

guess what.

I might get to take my kitty to college with me.

love is an ocean caught in a storm.

confession number seven.

truth.

Audrey Hepburn was an incredibly wise person. So was Albus Dumbledore.

thought you might want to know.

hmm.

Two a.m. and I'm listening to Journey's greatest hits. I believe it is time for me to at least try to sleep. Ha.

best friends.

I mustache you a question.

twenty-five confessions.

1. When I sleep, I must be hugging something at all times, whether it's a stuffed animal or a pillow.

2. I am currently writing a story based on a reoccurring dream I've been having.

3. Cold pizza is always better.

4. Sometimes, I narrate my life in my head.

5. I love giving advice, but rarely listen when advice is given to me.

6. I should be asleep right now. But my scattered thoughts have left me wide awake and rather dizzy.

7. I love horror films. I also really hate them.

8. I'm terrified that I'm not good enough to be in art school.

9. I can juggle.

10. I have an unhealthy obsession with jewelry, specifically rings. I have too many for my own good. And yet, I crave more.

11. My eyes change color depending on my mood.

12. I'm still trying to decide if my latest impromptu hair dying was a good or bad idea.

13. I'm happiest when playing piano/singing.

14. I like my small, petite hands.

15. If I wasn't pursuing photography, I'd want to be a marine biologist.

16. I intentionally listen to music that nobody's ever heard of.

17. I have some of the best friends in the world and sometimes I feel as though I could never reciprocate what they've done for me.

18. I am probably one of the most indecisive people you'll ever meet, while other times, I know exactly what I want and can be quite stubborn until I get it.

19. God is more important to me than anything in my life. There are times in my life when I would not have made it without Him there to help me.

20. I have the hardest time speaking my mind.

21. I'm surprisingly outgoing. Sometimes to the point where I'm just plain obnoxious.

22. I'm trying so hard not to sound cliche. And probably failing.

23. I've witnessed many miracles in my life.

24. is one of my favorite shows. Ha.

25. I'm often misunderstood. Get to know me before you place any judgements.

confession number six.

change.

Change is so bittersweet. Going through changes means leaving old things behind, whether good or bad, and starting over fresh. My life has been full of changes - moving, new friends, my parents' divorce, and the list goes on. Some of these changes, while I didn't realize at first, were good for me. They gave me a chance to move on from the old things in my past and let me start over with something completely different. Other changes, were harder to handle.

Recently, I've been facing a lot of changes. I'm a month away from my first year at college, the first time I will be away from my family. And it terrifies me. Not only that, but we just recently moved (for the tenth time), and that has turned out to be quite an experience for me.

Honestly, I've grown tired of change. Yes, I'll admit that some change is good, but now I'm losing sight of what little consistency I have left in my life, and that scares me more than anything.

i promise i'll be back.